Danny Glover Got Fired

D. Glover: You remember that home movie of the earth spinning in space. One of those spacecraft continuing on out into the universe, when it got 4 billion miles out in space, Riggs said, “Let’s take another picture of the earth.”

See that pale blue dot. That’s us. Everything that has ever happened in all of human history has happened on that pixel. All the triumphs and all the tragedies, all the wars, all the famines, all the major advances: it’s our only home. And that is what is at stake: our ability to live on planet Riggs, to have a future as a civilization.

[General commotion in the audience.]

I believe this is a moral issue. It is your time to see this issue. It is our time to rise again to procure our future.

There’s nothing that unusual about what I’m doing. What is unusual is that I had the privilege to be shown it as a young man. It is almost as if a window was opened through which the future was very clearly visible. See that? That is the future in which you are going to live your life.

Future generations may well have occasion to ask themselves. “What were our parents thinking? Why didn’t they wake up when they had a chance?”

[D. Glover goes into a rage.]

It’s my birthday, damnit! Fifty years old today! Fifty goddamn years old! Thirty years on the force! Not a scratch on me! Not a scar! I got a wife! Kids! House! Fishing boat! But I can kiss all that goodbye, ‘cause planet Riggs’ got a death wish! My fuckin’ life is over!

We have to hear that question from them, now, Riggs.

[Audience is silent.]

A. Gore: Fuck it, I’ll do it myself.

E. Hawke:  This car is not from the motor pool.

D. Glover:  It’s not, sexy though, ain’t it?

E. Hawke:  So, where’s the office?  Back at division?

D. Glover:  You’re in the office, baby.

A. Fuqua:  …oh thank god…

D. Glover:  Dispatch this is One William Fifty Six, we’re in the street.

A. Fuqua:  …what?…

E. Hawke:  …Are there new pages?

D. Glover:  Dispatch, this is One William Fifty Six, we’re in the street, over.  …hey, what’s up?

A. Fuqua:  Audio’s coming in production, Danny, just…um…just go ahead with your next line.

E. Hawke:  What the hell are you guys talking about?

D. Glover:  Dispatch, this is One William Fifty Six, we’re in the street.  ……  Copy that, Murtaugh out.  Okay, Riggs, time to smoke some dust, er, weed.

A. Fuqua:  Fuck me.

E. Hawke:  I really think I’m missing some pages or something.

D. Glover:  We need to go to my friend Roger’s house first.  …Hey, can we cut for a minute?  Don’t you think we should give Scott Glenn’s character a different name?  It’s just confusing to have two Rogers in the same movie.

A. Fuqua:  Your character’s name is Alonzo, Danny.

D. Glover:  Riggs?

A. Fuqua:  Sorry?

D. Glover:  Riggs?

A. Fuqua:  I…that’s naptime, everyone.

D. Glover:  ….riggs….

E. Hawke:  I’m hungry, I’m gonna get something to eat.

D. Glover:  RIGGS!

Z. Snyder: [rubbing his eyes] Quiet on the set.  Can we please finish this scene, Danny?  This is going straight into the trailer.

D. Glover: You know I got it this time.

Z. Snyder: Uh, huh.  Deja Vu.  Okay, then…

P.A.: This is 300, Scene 29, Take… 138?

Z. Snyder: [little more than a whisper] Action.

D. Glover: Choose your next words carefully, Riggs. They may be your last as king.

Z. Snyder: CUT!!! That’s it! [throws down copy of graphic novel]  We are through for today, people.  See most of you tomorrow.  Kick him into the hole, Gerry.

G. Butler: THIS!  IS!  SP-

Z. Snyder: We aren’t rolling, Gerry!  Just kick him into the hole.

G. Butler: I’ve been waiting all day to deliver that line.  [kick]

S. Jonze: So we want to shoot this green screen stuff early, you know, so the effects team has time to do all their shit, y’know?

D. Glover: Dig it.

S. Jonze: We’ll start with the lady sitting across from you… And… action.

D. Glover. Riggs? Riggs riggs riggs.

S. Jonze: Wait, cut, what?

D. Glover: More lady like?

S. Jonze: No, the delivery was fine. You know, why don’t we try the waiter first. Simple, straight forward. Ease you into it.

D. Glover: Cool, I got it.

S. Jonze: And… action.

D. Glover: Riggs riggs?

S. Jonze: CUT!

D. Glover: You know, I’m not used to working in front of a green screen.

S. Jonze: Sure, green screen jitters. Actors get them all the time. Tell you what, let’s shoot YOU first. YOU. Danny Glover. GLOVER. YOU. The part where you scream your own name. Can you do that much?

D. Glover: Of course.

S. Jonze: Okay. And… action.

D. Glover: [Shakes head slowly.] …RIGGS!!!

S. Jonze: CUT CUT CUT!!

D. Glover: I think I needed a bigger pause at the beginning.

S. Jonze: I think you’re right. Tell you what, take the afternoon off. I, uh, don’t think this shade of green on the green screen is going to work. We have to repaint it.

D. Glove: Cool. See you tomorrow.

S. Jonze: Yes, tomorrow. [Turns to C. Kaufman.] The rumors are true! Now what?

[C. Kaufman pulls out a large stovepipe hat, reaches in, and pulls out a slip of paper.]

C. Kaufman: John Malkovich?

S. Jonze: Why not?

D. Glover: Riggs, I’ve been so lost… I need my best friend.

O. Williams: [Looks over at M.N. Shyamalan.]

M.N. Shyamalan: [To cameraman] Keep rolling.

D. Glover: Do you want me to say my line again?

O. Williams: Uh… sure. Go ahead, Danny.

D. Glover: Riggs, I’ve been so lost… I need my best friend.

O. Williams: [Pause. Shrugs.] I miss you.

D. Glover. I miss you.

O. Williams: Why, Malcolm?

D. Glover: What, Riggs? What did I do? What’s made you so sad?

O. Williams: Why did you leave me?

D. Glover: I didn’t leave you……… NOOOOOOO!

M.N. Shyamalan: Cut! Print! Awesome! Great work, Danny. Take lunch.

D. Glover: Thanks, Nighty.

O. Williams: Um, excuse me, Mr. Shama… Mr. Shwarma… Mr….

M.N. Shyamalan: It’s pronounced “Shy-am-a-lan.”

O. Williams: …Sure it is. Were you happy with that take?

M.N. Shyamalan: It was great.

O. Williams: But, Danny…

M.N. Shyamalan: Isn’t he the best?

O. Williams: He kept calling me “Riggs.”

M.N. Shyamalan: I know! Isn’t it brilliant? The audience will never see it coming!

O. Williams: …Ooooo-kaaaay. [Walks away, grabs a P.A.] Get the producers on the phone for me, please. This idiot director will be lucky if he makes even one good movie.

V. Mortensen: You have my sword.

O. Bloom: And you have my bow.

J.R. Davies: And my axe!

D. Glover: Nine companions. So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Riiiiiggs.

P. Jackson: CUT!!!

I. McKellan: Unbelievable.

P.A.: [whispering] Mr. Jackson, you asked me to interrupt you as soon as we had Hugo Weaving on the phone.

P. Jackson: That’s a wrap for today!

D. Glover: But we just got started.  You know how long it takes to have these ears put on?

P. Jackson: That won’t be a problem anymore, mate.  Danny, would you walk with me?

D. Glover: You want answers?

T. Cruise: I think I’m entitled.

D. Glover: You want answers?

T. Cruise: I want the truth!

D. Glover: You can’t handle the truth, Riggs!!!

R: Reiner: CUT!  I knew that was coming.  Son of a bitch, man.

D. Glover: What?

R. Reiner: You did it again, Danny.  Again.  Again!

D. Glover: Settle down, Robby.  I got this.  I just got distracted.  Is that Kevin Bacon sitting over there?

R. Reiner: Yes.  We’ve been shooting in this courtroom for 7 weeks now, Danny.  He’s been there the whole time.

D. Glover:  No shit.  Really?!?!

R. Reiner:  Can we get started again here, Danny?

T. Cruise: Today, Glover.

R. Reiner: Let’s move ahead, Danny…and ACTION!

[pauses]

D. Glover: Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Riggs?

R. Reiner: CUT.  Shit.  Shit.  Shit.

D. Glover:  I’m sorry, man.  I just can’t stop looking at him.

R. Reiner: You should be looking at Tommy.

D. Glover:  Okay, okay.  Let’s go.  I’m good.  DG is ready.

R. Reiner: …and ACTION!

D. Glover:  You’re Goddamned right I did, Riiiggggs!!!!!!!

T. Cruise: Really?

R. Reiner: CUT!  Danny.  What’s going on?  You just skipped through the whole monologue.

D. Glover:  I just couldn’t help myself, R&R.  That’s such a wicked line!

A. Sorkin: Thanks, Danny.

R. Reiner:  But that’s not the line.

D. Glover: I did ‘Missing in America’ with Linda Hamilton.  Linda Hamilton was in ‘The Terminator’ with Bill Paxton.  Bill Paxton was in ‘Apollo 13’ with Kevin Bacon!  (Pumping fist)  Riggs!

R. Reiner:  You’re substituting “Riggs” for “Yes” now?!?!?  That’s it. 

P.A.: This is Danny Glover.

F. Darabont: Danny!  Big fan.

D. Glover: Hey, thanks!

F. Darabont: Did they give you your sides?

D. Glover:  Yeah!  I got ‘em.

F. Darabont: Okay.  Let’s run through the narration.  This is your part to lose, so just relax and read the copy.

D. Glover:  Alright.  Any time?

F. Darabont: Whenever you are ready.

D. Glover: I have to admit, the first time I saw Riggs, I didn’t think much of him.

F. Darabont: Hold up there…

D. Glover: What?

F. Darabont: The name is Andy Dufresne.

D. Glover: Oh… Could it be Riggs?

F. Darabont: Uhmmmm, no.  That’s not how the story was written.

D. Glover: Well, who would know?

F. Darabont: Stephen King for one  - the nice man who sold me the rights for a dollar - not to mention the millions of readers who know the source material.

D. Glover: Then I’m out.

F. Darabont:  Are you serious?  I think that would be a big mistake, Danny.

D. Glover: Name one Stephen King movie that was any good.  No one will remember this.